in the progress...

+ of finding myself

+ of trying not to run away

+ of keeping sanity

+ of keeping insanity

+ of not losing myself

+ of understanding

+ of submitting

+ of touching those that matter

+ of guarding my heart

+ of realizing lasting genuine friendships

+ of changes

+ of pruning

+ of engaging with myself

+ of engaging with the world

+ of engaging with God


i am at a different point of my life now. another bus stop. another crossroad. what lies ahead of me is still very vague. some things are getting clearer now. some are still in a blur. i'm glad i'm having my break now. but it hasn't really been a break yet though. i think i need to get away for a bit. like some secluded area where no one can reach me. no technology can track me. maybe to some monastory and become a nun (LOL!) i need some peace and quiet. away from humans. just me and Daddy would be enough.

ever since i graduated, i have not had my own lil corner or space to reflect properly, to engage properly. and as time goes by, more and more things happen therefore there's less time to sit down and think about everything alltogether. i've been running around non stop. and home has only been a physical recuperation for me. i'm yearning for the day where all responsibilities stop, all activities stop just for a bit. then i can have my full recuperation of the body, soul mind and spirit.

i think i've been shrugging too many things off my shoulder. one of them, my friends. friends mean a lot to me. yet, i've always had that same old problem or issue with my friends. yea, we make new friends in every stages of our lives. but how on earth do we keep these close friends? the close friends that used to be real supportive, the close friends that used to pray for one another, the close friends that used to go out of their way sometimes just to hear us out. making new friends does not give us an excuse to lose our old ones. if we had really cared for the lives of our friends, we won't let them go so easily.

the feeling of losing my close friends is exactly the same as losing a loved one, a family member, a lover. it hurts most when close friends become just friends or acquaitances just because of a significant other or just some dude/girl they like (there's too many other things to talk about in this particular category that i'll just skip it). i'm just shrugging all these off at the mo. taking it as life gives it to me. if it stays, i'm happy. if it goes, i don't wanna give a **** (although in my heart i still wants to care). i'm just...tired and sick of all these nonsense for now. i've been hurt and let down too many a times that i'm beginning to build higher walls than before. it's ironic how the ppl who helped break down walls are the ones that causes higher walls to be build back. heh.

i think i've been a liiiitle too complacent. i think i've been too blessed and things around me seems quite good at the mo that i've gotten a liiiiiitle too comfortable. i think i'm beginning to be mediocre because of my tiredness. i pray and hope that my ass wont be too stuck onto the chair until i don't actually get anything accomplished or learnt by the end of my break. what the heck am i doing with my life now? what the heck will i be doing with my life after my break? i believe i do not exist to survive. i exist to explore, learn, venture, help and give. but what the heck am i doing now while i'm existing? Daddy, help me to fulfill my purpose of existing.

lately i've been thinking quite a bit about psychology vs christianity and also how it goes hand in hand. it is pretty challenging and at the same time dangerous. where do we draw that thin fine line? how do we know when it's the Holy Spirit or when it's just our emotions? how can we be sure if it's not brainwashing? the power of the mind is a very powerful thing. i think if it wasn't for this weird kinda relationship i have with Daddy, i would have lost it long time ago. if it's not because of the faith i now hold, i would prolly be an atheist.

i have many pressures here and there, of how i should be living my life, of who i should be, of those high standards. sometimes i wished i could just voice it out like some people do. or act without a care of what people think. could people stop judging for one second? i doubt so. i hate it when people put me up on a pedastal and start judging me from head to toe. people automatically put a brand on each person they know. "oh, she's the elder's daughter." "oh, she's so and so's sister." "ooohh..that girl is/used to be the president of such and such organization." "ahh..that's the girl from that disciplined, prim and proper, rich family." "fooh! that's royal blood." people just brand us and have a certain expectation of who u are because of who they know that is connected to us. then the comparing and judging starts. for blardy goodness sakes, everyone is different. even twins are different from each other! so stop putting people on pedastals and jump to a judgement or conclusion when someone did a 'boo boo'.

i always wondered if there was hope for my generation. if there was hope for genuine friendships. if there was hope for restored friendships. if there was hope for such a sinner as me. if there was hope for this evil world (and more evil to come). if there was hope for the poor, the sick, the unfortunate. there actually is! and i thank Daddy for it. onli on Him do we hope for. onli through Him does He restore. hope, gives me something to look forward to. hope, gives me the right amount of sanity i need with a lil touch of insanity. hope...in Him.

-bea-