..::lost::.. find me please?

*warning: not for the weak hearted. do not proceed if u have a weak heart. post may be a lil vulgar and disheartening. post may also be a lil confusing as it may go in and out of topics.


there's just too many things running around my mind right now. i've alwayz tried to sort it out properly. but they are just running too fast and i'm not able to catch them. need to exercise more in order to catch each and everyone of them and lay them down properly. there's just so many things happening the past few days! good stuff. bad stuff. EVERYTHING! i'm just all stoned and numbed. not sure what to feel edi. well, mayb it's true what they say, that girls are too emotional. my emotion graph have been changing too fast.

too many distractions. that's one. it just comes too fast. when you think your life will be going great, when u think that u've made a stand and done the right thing, something else just comes in the way and spoils it all. something else just makes your life spin like a washing machine. then when your life's done spinning, it stops and dries and dies off. that's me. sometimes i feel so dead that i just wanna stop living and leave the face of the earth. but i wont do that...cuse i'll be running away from it and i don't wanna run coz i still believe that Daddy is still by my side.

just a few days back during aya festival, i was really refreshed. there's still so much to be digested. i havent really digested everything in yet. i've been reminded again of why i wanted to be single (well, at least for now till i dunno when). i've been reminded again of what i've been called to do. i really want to do it all right again. time and time again i've been reminded of the same things but distractions doesn't seem to flee away from me. time and time again my soul has been bruised and cracked. i noe Daddy's building me, moulding me, preparing me but it's hard and painful. but during the aya festival, i've surrendered it to Daddy again. well, i've surrended it to Daddy like a million of times but this time, with Daddy's help, i'll make it! i'm gonna be a history maker in this land~! there' gonna be revival! in myself and in the CF and in MMU and in MAlAYSIA!!! would u believe that with me too?

despite the hype during aya festival and with delirious, i felt a lil lost the past few days. somewhere, somehow. i'm still finding myself, my identity. a lil slow i noe but it doesn't really matter. i remembered what pastor sandra said during one of the sessions. how can we find our identity and start emerging if we're still stuck in that pit? that pit has gone deep enough. it's time i get out of it, stand up and move on with finding my identity. i noe there's so much greatness that Daddy has in store for me. there's so much great things to be done and to show me. i cant let myself fall in again to distractions and all. but first i need to settle this lost feeling i have. i honestly do not noe what's it about. it's definately not direction. it's not about guys either. mayb it's just dryness...sieness and disappointments maybe..rise up bea, rise up! my identity...i'll find it, i will :)

pastor kenneth spoke today. Daddy really spoke to me and slam me hard today thru him. u noe, i've alwiz been envious of u. Daddy seems to have great favour on you all the time. He seems to be blessing you for so many things in your life. i'm happy for you. but at the same time i'm envious. i'm envious because He has great favour on u and not me. or mayb i just don't see it. mayb coz i've been so rotten that's why i dont have Daddy's favour. but you, me, wat's the difference? sighz. shadrach, meshach and abednego. furnace heated 7 times hotter than usual. 3 men bounded, 4 men walking. i noe that even as a christian, my life wont be perfect, my life wont be all rosy and nice. i noe that i'll be persecuted and stuff like that for Jesus. my life has never been perfect. so many times i've failed, ppl have failed. but it all builds character. Romans 5:1-5. the title for it in my bible says "peace and joy". i just realized this. the irony of it all is this... my name beatrice means bringer of joy, my name chu phing means the Lord's peace. fritzi's name means peace and joy too! and there was some other thing (forgot wat edi) which has connection with me that has the element of peace and joy too! just a lil discovery. anywayz, those verses really spoke to me...character...i noe Daddy's moulding and building me. although it's painful and hard. although i may face many accusations, i will persevere. i will get through all this shit.

just as i say this, shit continues to happen. and shit continues to pull me down. but i noe this...Daddy's with me...(3 men bounded, 4 men walking). sometimes u may think i do not care. i may seem far away. but has it ever occured to u that i'm afraid? has it ever occured to u that mayb i dont deserve such a great guy like u. mayb i'm not who u saw last time. i've changed. u might not like the new me. though u've said that there are some things in a person that will never change. i have. and i don't like some of it. u deserve a better girl. but still...i don't deserve your accusations. i don't deserve to be taunted. i don't deserve to be hurt like that. i noe i've hurt u, i noe i've been mean. but i don't really mean it. i'm not a very mean person u noe. mayb my intentions of not wanting it to get worst has actually made it worst. u accused me for not caring. i tried. but u pushed me away. i thought u had moved on. so i moved on too. then out of no where u suddenly wanna get on my good side again. u noe....we're both moving at a different pace. it's not easy. ah well...why am i saying this to u when u dont even noe the link to this place. bleh.

mayb i'm just a meanie ass. mayb i'm just like wat u gurls say - heartbreaker. sometimes i'm just so sick of accusations, it makes me feel so numb already. i'll wait. i'll wait till u're ready. then we'll talk it over aights? i'm tired already. tired of arguing with u. tired of having to be hurt everytime i see u. u just don't know how i feel. it's painful. i'm sure u want me to be happy right? u said it last time... i seriously don't know what has gone wrong. havent u noticed it's been gradually going down the hill? mayb not. mayb it's a good thing that this has happened huh? i don't noe... i really dont noe...but cant we talk like friends? cant we stop accusing each other? it's painful enough for me already. i don't wanna bring up the past. i don't intend to.

i'm trying to rise up. i'm trying to be a good girl, a good daughter, a good friend. i'm trying to grow, i'm trying to fulfill my dreams. i've got my dreams too u noe...i've got my own passions too. did u noe that? do u care enough to ask me? i'm sorry if i've failed as a friend, as a daughter, as a leader. i'm only human. but i'm trying. i'm trying to be a history maker. i noe with Daddy i can. i noe with Daddy (and u bunch of great friends), i am able to stand up again. i'm strong. i noe i am. not for the sake of being a macho girl but really...i am...don't worry too much bout me. i'll be fine :) thank you for being there *hugs* sorry for the long randoms. ah well, it's not as vulgar as i tot it would be :p it could have been. but i think i write too long until cool down edi.. lolzz. hope u've been encouraged in some ways by this randoms.


-bea-